Ego's, control, power, self-esteem, pain, and broken hearts.
I sit here and wonder about when a couple separate and there is a child/children involved, what considerations have they taken in regards to the children.
I am very much aware of our Family Law system being clogged and cases taking so long to get through and child/children are without both parents in their lives because of this broken system.
I think about my own separation, and it was hard, it broke me into pieces as I was the one leaving, I was unhappy and had been for a very long time there were many reasons I was at fault, he was also very much at fault, our marriage was broken and it could not be repaired.
I felt shattered, my heart was crumbled into a million pieces, I was leaving a dream, a decade of memories that I had made with the father of my child. I felt terrible, I felt a failure, I felt so lost and alone. But in all those emotions that were running through me, I did not once take my eyes off my son and what was best for him. I did not once look at myself as the superior parent and the only parent.
I was the parent that stayed home when we had our son, after our son was 18months old I returned to work part-time. I was the hands-on parent, the one that feed, changed and cared for our son. My husband worked night shift so a lot of these duties passed back to me he provided for the family with his full-time work and being night shift earnt more money but it came as a sacrifice. BUT never did I believe I was the superior parent. JUST because the father of our son, worked and did night shift did not mean for a moment that the father of my child was any less of a person or parent in our son’s life.
Was he an interactive parent where he just jumped in to feed him or change his nappy or bath him, no he wasn’t, but again what I knew about this man was he loved our son and was very protective of him. We were on the same page, we wanted the best for our son. We were still on that same page; our son was everything to both of us.
I remember the first time I dropped our son off to his father, a very nervous man was my-ex partner that day, standing in the kitchen he said “I don’t know what to do?” I said yes you do, you have seen me do it, and you will be fine, I know you will do great. I had no doubt he would, because he loved his son, and he wanted what was best for him. So he would feed him, tuck him in, shower him and read stories to him. Best part was, he bonded deeper with his son because there was that one on one time, without me there. Sure, my ex-partner went to his mothers for help, but this did not suggest a sign of weakness or again any belief that he was less capable. It said he was a wise man, because his mum was a super grandma and those things he needed to kink out like how to cook, I knew she would teach him.
It was the hardest thing to walk away I was apprehensive I had been the one did everything, but I had to believe in him. He had to step up and take the reins now. I knew the love he had for our son would help him step into this role.
After all is this not what I did when our son was born? Overwhelmed with incredible love for this little baby, BUT I had no clue, sure I had read books I was pregnant I wanted to get some understanding about what to do. But let me tell you the reality of a situation vs the book read are two different concepts.
I winged it, I managed to feed, clean, encourage, love, play, educate, and love our son. I knew his father could do this too, he was already doing most of, many of these things in our son’s life, he just didn’t know how to cook or understand bed time routine (some mother’s I know don’t know how to cook, but that doesn’t make a parent). BUT this did not make him a hopeless father or a man that should be limited to the time he spent with his son. This made him human like me.
“There is no superior parent, there are just parents - who love their children.” - JM